Like A Hanicapped Manticore
by Scarlet Kratos
Summary: Things don't seem to be going Emil's way when Zelos invites him, Marta, and Sheena to a ball. In fact, dressing like a girl almost seems appealing in comparison to Marta's wrath. MartaxEmil, Sheelos
1. Part One: And So Emil Suffers

**Like A Handicapped Manticore  
**_Part One: And So Emil Suffers_

A silly oneshot that ended up exploding into a little more. Probably going to be two or three parts long.

Be warned, however, that they may get a little bit OOC - apologies!

A bit of cheesy MartaxEmil plus a sprinkling of Sheelos. Enjoy.

* * *

"Martaaaa..." Emil was pleading, desperate.

"Emil, hold on a sec...I gotta remember this for the rest of my life... Gosh, you look so _cute!_" Marta's excited squeal filled the inn room.

"I must admit, you do look quite...shall we say..._dashing._" Tenebrae sounded somewhat skeptical, his drawl tinged with sarcasm. Emil glared daggers at him, but when the inn room's door burst open, he groaned.

"Lady Marta! Tenebrie! And...Emil?! Wow, Martie was right, you do look great in that," Zelos smirked, waltzing into the room. He was already dressed, lavishly suited for the King's Invitational Ball with his long red curls loosely knotted into an elegant braid. "Oh, my little Marta, I've also got your gown~ My busty voluptuous hunny helped me pick it out, so I'm sure it'll look great -"

"For Martel's sake, _Master Zelos,_ I don't ever recall being one of your many _hunnies_," a threatening voice spat from the hallway. Sheena appeared shortly after, looking red in the face and thoroughly harassed. In her arms were a few gowns in protective wrappings. It was evident that Sheena was itching to drop the dresses and punch Zelos's lights out. "I should've gone back to Iselia with Colette - this was ridiculous, _dress shopping with a pervert -_ oh, nice outfit, Emil."

"Why?" Emil complained, lifting the numerous hanging ornaments from his suit. It was quite a frivolous outfit - lavender with white straps, somewhat feminine, with bells and silver accents all over - it was more suited for a beautiful woman, except that it had pants. "I look like...a girl. A frilly, wishy-washy girl."

"Well...you are rather frilly. And wishy-washy," Tenebrae commented helpfully. Sheena let out a quickly stifled snort.

"Shut up, Tenebrae," Emil snapped, blushing. Marta let out another gleeful squee.

"Oh, don't listen to that spiteful old nag, Emil! You look...handsome, and cute, and like my knight! Ohhhh, I knew it would look good on you!"

Emil grumbled indistinctly, obviously grumpy over the previous precedings.

It had all started when Zelos had decided to buy something nice for Marta, as was his custom to treat his "hunnies." Emil had opted to stay back at Zelos's manor with Sheena and Tenebrae, each of whom had no intention of watching Zelos fawn over yet another poor besotted female. But Marta had skipped happily away, yelling something or other about finding Emil a "wondrous gift that would make him fall head-over-heels" and other nonsense like that. Emil subsequently fell into a blissful nap, as he was custom to doing when they were taking a break from core-seeking.

_It was a wonderful nap_, Emil thought cantankerously, _before they woke me up._

When Marta shook him awake two hours later, he was forcefully stripped naked and thrust into the ridiculous outfit that he now wore, apparently suited for a ball later that evening. Yes, that's right, _a girl stripped him naked._ (Or at least down to his boxers.) And put him into a girl's outfit.

_Is this her way of dating? Because I'm not quite feeling the love she promised me..._ Emil thought darkly.

Still, he supposed it was better than being forced to come along; Sheena had been kidnapped an hour after they left to go dress-shopping once Zelos learned he could invite all the guests that he wished. Emil supposed being forced to shop for girl's garments with a well-known pervert was also a torturous ordeal.

However, sadly for little Emil, his nightmare of a day would not be getting any better.

"Emiiiil. Sooo...are you gonna be my date for the ball?" Marta said shyly, averting her gaze as she grasped her arms behind her back; she rocked back and forth on her heels, evidently expectant. Emil groaned again.

"Marta, I can't...dance. I'm going to trip on this annoying costume and _die_," Emil complained. Marta immediately lost her cute, endearing exterior.

"You're supposed to say, '_of course, Marta, I would love to,_'" Marta whined, hopping in anxiety. Emil attempted to heave a heavy sigh, but his costume was a bit tight and the numerous straps preventing him from doing so. He groaned again.

"But Marta!"

"Emiiiil!"

"Do you _want_ me to trip and fall and kill the both of us?" Emil said desperately. Marta huffed.

"Yes, if that's what it took for you to come!" Marta pouted, hopping on the balls of her feet. Emil gave a resigned moan.

"'Of _course_, Marta, I would love to,'" Emil mimicked, his voice heavy. Marta smiled, a truly happy smile. Though he meant it in the most annoyed of ways, Emil felt almost somewhat content that Marta would be happy to go with him.

His feeling of pleasure instantly dissipated when he saw Zelos's evil smile hovering behind Marta's gleeful face.

"Well, seeing as Prince Charming so assents...time for ballroom dancing lessons with the great Zelos Wilder!" he roared, grabbing Emil by the arm. Marta gave a natural giggle, but both Sheena and Tenebrae looked horrified.

"I feel sorry for you," Sheena informed Emil as he was unwillingly dragged out of the room.

"Thanks," Emil groaned.

* * *

_An hour later..._

"_Never_," Emil gasped, falling to his knees. "Never again."

"God, you suck," Zelos agreed. "Hope your Martie doesn't mind that you dance like a handicapped manticore."

"Oh, shut up," Emil grumbled.

* * *

It was eight o'clock, and the rich denizens of Meltokio began to gather in the king's courtyard. The green foliage and flowers overspilled onto the cobblestone. Low lamps hung all around the area, creating a moody, romantic feel. The quiet, dark night glittered with faint stars above, and the slightly chilly air was refreshing - in all respects, it was a wonerful atmosphere for a ball.

Except for the fact tha Emil was an utter failure at dancing, of course. But even the gentle air of the party made him relax if not a tiny bit.

Zelos led the group further into the courtyard, greeting the other nobles as he passed. Small tremors shook the ground beneath the glittering heels and beautiful robes and dresses, but they seemed not to notice the earthquakes in their present gathering. Light-hearted, albeit a bit stuck-up, chattering littered the group.

"Wowww," Marta said, awed. "Everyone is so fancy. I feel so...inferior."

The group wove into the finely dressed crowd. Emil was equally awed; he had never seen so many beautifully dressed women in one place. It was a little disorienting.

"Oh, Martie. You're so much cuter than all the rest of them," Zelos teased. Marta's face turned a bright red. Unfortunately, at this exact moment, some of Zelos's more clingy "hunnies" materialized.

"Zelos! You said that to me! How dare you give it to a_ little girl_!" a ditzy blonde shrieked, grabbing Zelos's arm in a highly possessive manner. Sheena instantly turned her back and stalked away, her face dark and murderous. Emil was sure she was off to go kill some small animals with an expression like that.

"Zelossss!"

"Zeeeelossss~"

"Oh, Zelosss..."

"Uhhh...let's uhm...leave. In a hurry," Emil said, grabbing Marta's hand as Zelos sheepishly held off his whores - woops, I mean, "hunnies."

They escaped to a far off corner of the courtyard. It was darker there, with only a bit of lumination from a few far lamps. Emil looked apprehensively over his shoulder to make sure none of the jealous skanks followed them to come hurt Marta, but they were alone, far from the crowd. Emil suddenly realized and blushed, but maintained composure for once in his life.

"Emil?" Marta asked in a small voice. Emil turned back around. He was instantly struck by how pretty she really was, in the faint light of the lamps. Her long pink hair was threaded into a neatly woven braid that dismantled into frenzied curls beneath her shoulders. The pale gold gown that Sheena and Zelos had sought brought out the peachy natural blush of her cheeks and the bright blues of her eyes. He had never seen her so beautiful.

"Uh...uhmm...y-yeah?" Emil said, shaking his head mentally to clear it.

"Do you...think the other women here...are prettier than me?" Marta asked tentatively. She blushed at her own advance.

"W-well...a lot of them are beautiful, yeah...but...you look really nice tonight too," Emil managed. It was hard not to grab at her hand when she was looking so shyly down at her feet. She looked up, obviously not satisfied.

"So...they _are_ more beautiful than me," Marta said rather matter-of-factly. Emil was taken aback by her sudden change in behavior.

"Well, yeah, some are, but that doesn't -"

"Emil? Tell me what you mean," Marta said, with something that sounded like controlled anger. Emil was baffled; what was there to be angry about?

"Marta," Emil began, slowly, "you are really beautiful tonight. Actually, you're usually really pretty. But just because you're not the most beautiful doesn't mean anythi-"

"Emil, you're such a jerk!" Marta suddenly cried, her troubled expression marring her perfectly made-up face. She stepped quickly past him, eyes filled with irritation.

"Hey, w-wait, what?" Emil spluttered, but Marta let out an agitated _hmph! _and strode away in an angry storm. Emil stood there in the quiet corner, alone and confused.

_Girls are so weird,_ Emil thought in puzzlement. _They're like...a whole different species._

A dinging of a fork hit on a wine glass woke him from his thoughts, however. He could just barely hear the announcing voice.

"The party will now commence in the Grand Ballroom. Music will be provided for dancing and refreshments will be served. Thank you for attending."

Emil swore loudly. It was soon time to show off his two left feet.

He headed in the direction of the warm light glowing through the large archway that led from the courtyard into the grand ballroom. Emil sighed, trailing being the last stragglers, who were slowly ascending into the ballroom. He glanced around the courtyard with hopeless abandon.

Marta was not in sight. He wallowed in his self-misery and loneliness, wondering when this evening would ever not suck.

* * *

Reviewing would be lovely.


	2. Part Two: Zelos, You Jackass

**Like A Handicapped Manticore  
**_Part Two: Zelos, You Jackass_

Kudos to my three reviewers~ thanks for taking the maximum of thirty seconds to make my day, haha.

So, onto Manticore. I suppose it will be three parts after all. I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this...hehe.

Note that yes, things do get a little bit OOC. But what else can be expected? I am only a fan fiction writer.

* * *

The group finally was advancing forward into the ballroom. Emil glanced around frantically, trying to catch sight of a pink head, but his eyes only met smooth backs and tail straps. It was futile; Marta was a master at avoiding him when she was upset.

Emil followed the other guests into the grand ballroom. He gasped. The circular room was at least three stories tall, with artful gold-gilded ceilings, and stained glass windows high above. On the walls were life-size portraits and paintings, presumably of past monarchs gone and dead. From the ceiling dangled the largest, most impressive crystal chandelier that Emil had ever seen; it emitted a radiant light that was warm and golden. In the background, a small orchestral group was playing some sort of waltzing music, to which couples twirled with in the middle of the room. It was a sight to enjoy with a loved one, not alone and dressed up in a female monkey suit.

He strayed off to the side, settling down into one of the beautifully carved chairs that looked more like art than a seat, but Emil didn't quite care anymore - what else could go wrong this evening?

And, of course, these are the magic words that screws over all idiots.

"Oi! Emil! Where's Marta?" Zelos's voice suddenly was seemingly shouting into his ear. Emil blanched, jumping out of the chair, but sighed when he realized it was only the redheaded Chosen. However, Zelos looked a little out of breath; Emil eyed him skeptically.

"Where are your...uhh...'hunnies'?"

"I escaped - I mean, I asked for a few minutes alone," Zelos said, taking in a deep breath. He looked past Emil, looking around the great room. He caught someone's eye - when Emil turned to look, he noticed Sheena turning around abruptly and walking in their opposite direction.

"Anyways...where's Martie?"

"I don't know. She left in a storm," Emil sighed, turning back to face the redhead. "I got her spitting mad somehow..."

Zelos sighed disapprovingly. He put his hands to his hips in a flounce.

"Emil, Emil, Emil! Don't you know how to speak to a lady?"

"Uhhh....no?" Emil said apprehensively. Zelos smirked.

"Still a virgin, I see," he said wisely. Emil's face flushed a deep red.

"Sh-shut up!" Emil snapped. But Zelos only patted him on the back in a comforting sort of fashion. Emil nearly knocked his hand away in an irritating fashion, but Zelos had drawn back and was already off on a tangent.

"It's all right. I understand. Well, do you want to learn how to lose it? Or, rather, Zelos's_ 101 To a Girl's Heart_?" Zelos drawled, leaning over as he slung his arm around Emil in a knowing sort of manner. His loose braid whacked Emil in the face, but he didn't notice Emil's yelp or his spluttering refusals.

"N-no, I don't think -"

"Okay, well, first. You always tell the girl that she's the most beautiful. _Always._ This is the first step to making her melt into your arms -"

"Wait, why?" Emil interjected, confused. "Wouldn't she know that that's a lie? I mean, there are always going to be prettier girls out there -"

"Emil, kiddo, you gotta learn the arts, man," Zelos tisked. "What is a girl gonna do when she realizes that you don't think that she's the most beautiful? You have to realize, appearance is a _lot_ to a gal. They take it up to get prettied up for us guys, and so you have to work with it."

"But-"

"ANYWAYS. So, the next step is to shower her in gifts, and make her feel like she is the _only_ one in this whole world who matters to you, and she should! At least, at that very moment," Zelos chuckled.

"At that moment?" Emil gasped. "Zelos, how many girls -"

"And next step to make The Moves. Yep, that's right, The Moves!" He nodded at Emil's aghast expression, continuing as though not interrupted.. "Step number one: hold her hand gently. Not too possessively, but not loosely either; you don't want to leave the bad impressions. Step number two: hold her around the shoulders whenever she seems slightly chilly or when she seems displeased at anything. This is is the most important! You want to make her feel safe and protected with you. Step number three -"

"Uhhh...th-this is great and all, Zelos, but how is this going to make Marta happy with me?" Emil interrupted, utterly dubious. Zelos sighed.

"Ohhhh, little Emil, listen closely. Okay, fine, don't memorize the steps, they'll probably just come naturally to you anyways," Zelos said with irritation. "Well, all right, if you're too dense to do it the proper way -"

"Hey!"

"-then, at the very least, remember this one important thing," Zelos continued. "Girls will _always_ register the bad in your words first, not the good. Like, if you compliment on how great she might look today, she might interpret it as '_oh, he only thinks I sometimes look good!_' or something silly like that. There's no avoiding this. _Ever_. Unless you're dating Martel, but I'm sure even the goddess might have suffered this unfortunate female syndrome a few times in her existence. No, the ONLY way to help this is to be charming and sweet at all times. Do you understand?"

"Uhmmmm...yeah...I guess. Try not to make stupid double-meaning comments?"

Zelos sighed again.

"Yeah, sure, whatever kid. If you can't even get that simple abbreviated lesson and then get a chick shortly after, you'll probably carry on to being a forty-year-old virgin," Zelos grumbled. Emil blushed again, and shook Zelos's grip loose.

"Oh, go away," Emil said. Zelos shrugged, obliging as he strode away in a tentative fashion toward where Sheena was seen last.

"Good luck, kid," Zelos tossed over his shoulder as he left. Emil gave him no response, letting out an exasperated breath.

_Okay, well, now to find Marta and, uhh...use Zelos's...'lesson'...on her_, Emil thought, though a bit confused about how this would play out. Lying, deceit, and starving yourself of your gald was the way to make a girl happy? This was even harder than Emil had ever imagined. Emil glanced about the room, looking for Marta's slender figure.

"...Emil?"

Emil turned around tiredly, but brightened when he saw Marta's apologetic face staring back at him. Her peachy cheeks were tinged with pink. It was almost perfect timing.

"Marta? L-look, I'm sorry, I -"

"No, no, Emil, I was being stupid...I'm the one who should be sorry," Marta mumbled shyly. "I just...I just got really mad when you started looking at all the other beautiful ladies, you know? I just...got so jealous. It was stupid, we aren't even dating, we're just here as dates -"

"Marta," Emil said abruptly. He took her into a hug, forgetting completely of Zelos's extensive lesson. He felt Marta's heart rate skyrocket.

"E-Emil...?"

"Don't overthink things...okay? I _am_ sorry for being so dense. It...It was just that...I don't know. I-I didn't want to lie to you, because you never do to me," Emil mumbled. "But...I do think you're...beautiful..."

"Oh, Emil...thank you."

Emil felt Marta's shy hands creep slowly up his back. Emil was feeling the familiar burning sensation in his face, but right then he didn't care. He slipped his hands down to her delicate waist, holding her close. He looked down at her lowered face; a similar blush was sieging her expression as well. All Emil could think of at that moment was how beautiful she looked in the light of the chandelier.

"Marta..."

"...E-E...Emil?"

"...Marta, I -"

Their cheesy and touching scene was quickly interrupted by a rather rambunctious Zelos.

"Hey! Virgin and pretty hunny! Come dance with me and my voluptuous she-bear - oh, wow, Emil, you've already gotten to step number four in ten minutes? Man, I gotta say, I'm _impressed_!" Zelos said, dragging an irate but slightly calmer Sheena along with him. Emil immediately let go of Marta, blushing furiously. He had to stop Zelos's loud mouth before he damaged any hope that Emil ever had.

"Zelos, shut u-"

"Soon you'll be rolling around with her under a sea of warm blankets, sharing your first passionate kiss - wow, I gotta hand it to you, you are a _player_!"

But it was far too late.

To Emil's ears, there was a sudden hush as a slow look of comprehension appeared on Marta's face. It was curious how many colors she could turn - first a slow, creeping white that appeared in her skin, and then a pinkish tint that invaded her cheeks and nose, and then finally, a reddish, almost sort of purple hue that took over her slowly shaking head. She looked just about ready to explode. Emil gulped, opening his mouth and closing it again numerous times, feeling exactly like a fish out of water.

"Emil....you...did all this...to have _sex_ with me?!" Marta finally screeched. Her livid expression made all three of them take a few steps back.

"N-no! No no no NO!" Emil cried, her terrifying shriek finally bringing him out of his horrified silence. "That was Zelos being s-stupid, come on Marta, you know -"

"I know WHAT! HUH? That you want to get UNDERNEATH MY DRESS, _THAT'S WHAT!_"

"M-M-Marta -"

"Oh, this has been a bad idea from the START, I shouldn't've wasted all my gald on a nice costume for you, YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE IT ANYWAYS."

"No, M-Marta, I l-love it-"

"YOU STUTTERED. You just said that you would NEVER lie to me, and yet here you are, LYING YOUR ASS OFF. You _despicable, miserable, intolerant jerk_! Here I was thinking you were different, sweet, and kind, but you are just like _ANY OTHER BOY!_"

She seemed beyond all reasoning. Emil felt almost crushed underneath her screeching tones; even nearby dance guests looked over in their direction in utter dismay. Zelos still was looking impressed, but this time more so from Marta's rage.

"Wow, they're almost like a married couple already," Zelos whispered behind a cupped hand to Sheena; Emil heard him clearly anyways.

"You, my friend, are a jackass," Sheena growled in response.

* * *

The party ended quickly after that for Marta and Emil. After Marta's utter explosion, she had fled from the castle, sporting dripping makeup underneath a torrent of fresh tears. After going into Ratatosk Mode and nearly strangling Zelos to death (for once, Sheena was the one that had to save the idiot Chosen, not kill him), Emil ran after her, shouting her name into the dark city streets.

It was late at night, and the only sound that Emil could hear were Marta's distant footsteps and his own clacks upon the cobblestone. He was panting to keep up, but he soon lost track of her direction.

_H-how does she run so fast in heels?_ Emil thought desperately.

"Dammit! Martaaaa!" Emil called once more.

His own voice echoed back to answer him, but nothing more.

"Martaaaa! Maaaartaaa...!"

Emil paused in his running, bending over to catch his breath. It was useless; she was utterly nowhere to be found. At least...not in the richer parts of Meltokio.

He hesitated. Surely Marta was smart enough to to head back to Zelos's manor rather than wandering into slums, right? Emil remembered the frenzied, sobbing state that Marta had been in, and he was sure that through her tears, she wouldn't have been able to tell the difference of where she was running to.

Emil swore loudly again. He ran through a few more alleyways, but he knew the inescapable truth - Marta had been last heard running in the direction of the slums.

An pretty unarmed girl, wandering the slums in the middle of the night...an easy target for any drunk or bastard who stumbled upon her. Emil felt himself beginning to shake, with rage, terror. The thought of seeking through the dark murkiness with potential ambushers lying in wait...

A cold sweat broke out. Emil took a deep, rattling breath, before diving headlong into the creeping shadows of the Meltokio slums.

* * *

Review review review! Thank you for reading~


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